Ask Ada

Ask Ada: Should I Protect My Son From His Chronically Ill Best Friend?

This week, Ada helps a mother teach her son about illness in the face of a friend's cancer. Plus: advice on not feeling bad about your fitness lifestyle!

Welcome to Ask Ada, Folks’ bi-weekly advice column for people impacted by health issues or disability. Want Ada to help you with a problem? Email Ada at askada@pillpack.com or tag @folksstories on Twitter with the #askada hashtag.

How Do I Stop Feeling Jealous Of My Friends’ More Active Lifestyles?

Dear Ada,

I have been sadly triggered by feelings of exercise inadequacy. Eighty-year-old friends brag on their expensive far flung daily classes in faraway places.

I don’t drive but I walk with my cane now as far as I can daily. Carcinoid syndrome causes neuropathy and balance problems and all the dancing and yoga poses in the world cannot bring me peace this year.

What does is still doing housework, walking to local thrift stores and perambulating to shop with my husband in all the long corridors of all our local malls. Love the trees and kids with boundless energy. Thanks for letting me share.

Carolyn

Carolyn,

What you’re experiencing is something that people of all ages go through — the comparison trap. The people in your life boast about their experiences, and you hold these stories like a mirror to your own. Know that there’s no one “right” way to move your body, so long as you move it. Their fancy yoga and dancing classes aren’t any better than your walking and light activity.

While you may feel inadequate on occasion, I want to point out how positive your overall attitude is. You know your limitations, and yet you’ve found activities to keep you active without pushing yourself into pain or discomfort. And not only are you getting out there and getting exercise, but you’re noticing and cherishing all the joy around you — all while spending quality time with the people you love the most. This is something to celebrate.

Know that there’s no one “right” way to move your body, so long as you move it. Their fancy yoga and dancing classes aren’t any better than your walking and light activity.

Your friends may have no clue that their stories are making you feel inadequate. The next time you catch yourself in this situation, invite them into your world instead. Start the conversation by saying, “I wish I were able to participate in dance classes like you do, but my Carcinoid syndrome causes neuropathy and balance problems for me. I spend my exercise time walking, and found the perfect thrift shop. Would you like to walk there with me one day for a little retail therapy?” I’ll bet they’ll be honored to receive the invitation.

One more thing. If you’re looking for ways to conquer these brief moments of feeling less-than, consider repeating affirmations to yourself. It doesn’t matter whether you write them yourself or borrow someone else’s words. You can memorize them or keep a few written ones nearby to read in the moments you need a pick me up. Affirm yourself while looking in a mirror for some extra effectiveness.

To get you started, here are a few affirmations from Louise Hay that are quick to repeat and simple to remember.

“My happy thoughts help create my healthy body.”

“I listen with love to my body’s messages.”

“My body appreciates how I take care of it.”

Remind yourself that you are perfect exactly as you are, and you’ll never have to live up to someone else’s experiences again.

Photo by Samantha Hurley from Burst

Should I Protect My Son From Watching His Friend Get Sick?

Dear Ada —

My son is eight, and one of his friends was just diagnosed with leukemia, and will have to start treatment in the New Year. My son doesn’t know this, but my sister (his aunt) died of leukemia when she was around the same age, which was extremely traumatizing to me as a little girl. Because of this, I want to distance my son from his friend, so he doesn’t have to go through the same kind of pain, but my friends say that’s selfish, and my husband thinks it would send the wrong message. What should I do? How do I protect my son from seeing his friend get sick… and possibly die?

From,

Sharon S.

Sharon,

It’s obvious that you’re a great mom who loves her son and wants to protect him from all the hardships of the world. That being said, your husband and friends are right. Sheltering your son from sickness and death isn’t a good idea. At some point in his life, he’s going to experience both with people that he loves, and it’s best for him to learn and prepare now while he has you to lean on.

Allowing your son to stay close to his friend with leukemia is good for many reasons. It teaches your child compassion and gives him the skills to learn how to support others in their times of need. It introduces both illness and death in a manner that you can control — as much as it’s possible to control these kinds of things — based on the amount of access he has to his friend.

Allowing your son to stay close to his friend with leukemia teaches your child compassion and gives him the skills to learn how to support others in their times of need.

It also benefits his friend, who will definitely lose touch with his social circle in a time he needs support the most. While you may be the only parent with a sibling who passed away from the same illness, you aren’t the only parent considering distancing your son from his friend — and that child certainly could use one now.

At eight years old, your son is developmentally able to understand the concept of death, and he’s likely been exposed to it in movies, video games, and television shows, even if he’s been fortunate to avoid it in his circle of family and friends. However, you don’t want his introduction to morbidity to be what pop culture teaches him. You have the opportunity to guide him, especially with your intimate experience of having gone through this and losing your sister at a young age.

While that moment in your life may have been traumatizing, my hope is that you’ll find some healing in being able to talk about it with your son. It will help him understand this experience better and also make him feel like he knows his aunt better.

While your sister’s death may have been traumatizing, my hope is that you’ll find some healing in being able to talk about it with your son.

One more thing to consider is that your son’s friend’s illness will naturally keep the children away from each other. The child will be immunocompromised or may feel too sick from treatment to take any visitors. Encourage your son to write letters to his friend. Send funny cards. Take pictures of all of the child’s favorite places and activities put the picture in a small scrapbook they can page through when they’re feeling homesick in the hospital. Oh, and when the child is feeling pretty good — spoil them by dropping by with his favorite treat.


Are you facing a problem that is being complicated by a health condition or disability? Folks’ advice columnist Erin Ollila wants to help. Email askada@pillpack.com and tell us your problem.